I know I haven’t written or posted for quite some time. Lots of shit has been hitting (and continues to hit) the fan and I’m not sure if I just don’t want to write or if I’m unable to/incapable at this time. I don’t know if or when I’ll be able to write again, at least as far as blogs go. Writing in some form or fashion will always be a part of my life because it’s in my soul and it is a treasured coping skill…but my question to you, angel faces, is if you think I should keep/you would like me to keep the blog (and the accompanying Facebook page) up/going or just abandon ship? Any opinions are welcome (and appreciated; I’ve been struggling with this decision for a while).
I left a voicemail for K after my appointment with you was canceled. She called me back around 3:30. She talked to me…listened to me talk and cry…and in trying to calm me down by reminding me of my DBT skills, she told me to do what I always do. I didn’t know what she was talking about…what she meant. She told me to write. She must have called me willful and/or stubborn about 50 times during that 20 minute phone call. She was trying to suggest some opposite-action…something that brings me joy and/or makes me laugh. She reminded me that the goal was to cope effectively…not change or dismiss what I was feeling. I started to protest because I felt I needed to hurt and cry and grieve and to laugh and be “happy” seemed so wrong and disrespectful…like laughing at a funeral…it doesn’t fit the situation. But…I’m going to do what K told me to do…this time. I don’t know what will come of this…if it will get edited to go on the blog or get printed out and given to you…or if it will stay here…in my “collection.” Right now, my thought is to not give it to you because I don’t want to make you upset all over again…but I’m going to do what K told me to do…write…and I’m going to write as if I were talking to you and hopefully, our telepathy connection is working and you “get it.” I reacted to you/this event much more strongly than I thought I would…and I don’t know why. I “planned” for it, I thought about it and since I had been in a similar situation before, I figured I’d be okay/stronger when the time came…still grieving and sad for you, yes…but not as hard and intense as I am. I can’t tell you why I reacted more strongly than I thought I would…I don’t know if this was the “icing on the cake” for me…another upsetting thing to add to this month’s growing list of crappy things. I don’t know if I made a bigger deal out of it for myself because when it happened, I was already in such an emotionally vulnerable spot. I don’t know if it brought out some of my own unspoken feelings regarding my loss…the ones I never expressed. I don’t want you to feel bad for making me upset. I told you, when we last talked about the inevitable, that I was going to be upset/hurt and grieve right along with you whether you liked it or not…because that’s how I roll. I love hard and with all that I have…and I know you know that. And our hearts and minds seem to be so inexplicably connected that it’s gone beyond coincidence and voodoo…it’s fate…it’s love…and it’s real. I’ve never had this connection with anyone else and I don’t know what accounts for it. Because I’ve had to be so completely vulnerable with you? Because we get along so well? Because we think alike and have a lot in common? I’ve given up trying to find the answer because I’ve accepted that it’s awesome no matter the reason…I treasure it and I love it. It’s a special connection and one I wouldn’t trade for the world.
The last time I saw you, you led me into your office and broke down before you could even shut the door, apologizing to me for not being able to think straight and for not being able to be totally in the moment with me that day (don’t ever do that again…apologize for that). I didn’t even think about the boundary lines that normally separate us…I just walked up to you and hugged you as tight as I could. I thought about that later…1), hoping you didn’t mind and 2), that action/behavior was pure instinct…automatic. The fact that you play a specific role in my life and I should have asked first didn’t even cross my mind until later in the day. Of course you were heavy on my mind and heart for the rest of that day and week. I was hoping my good telepathy was reaching you somehow and I hoped you knew that I was here, thinking about you and loving you even if I wasn’t with you or able to tell you. I tried really hard to disturb the force…enough to try to let you know. I had already decided to make you a new mix CD before I saw you last week. So I finished that. And then…my lightbulb went off and I was in a warm fuzzy dispensing mood and part of how I keep you close to me when you’re not with me is the warm fuzzy note cards you’ve given me. So I did the same thing for you, only x100 and with quite a few more hours and thought and love poured into it. I was at that project from about 7 PM to 2 or 3 AM. I knew I didn’t have to finish it in one sitting…but I was being mindful and in a groove…just thinking about you, drawing, writing, listening to music…nothing else…so I kept going until I was done. Something was keeping you in my heart and on my mind…and knowing what I know NOW, I know why…telepathy between hearts, remember? I made your warm fuzzy package on Thursday or Friday night, not realizing how pertinent and appropriate it was going to be. And I was so excited to give it to you…I still am…I just think maybe you could have used it sooner because I don’t know when I’ll see you next. But there are no accidents…all things for a reason…so I just hope it gives you the intended smiles and warm fuzzies no matter when you get it and no matter where or when you look at it. While I was making that and even after, all through the weekend, my gut was telling me something/someone was not okay. Looking back now and analyzing it, I know now that that someone was you…and maybe I did know all along it was you, I just didn’t want to admit it or acknowledge it because I don’t wish this kind of heartache on anyone…and even though I knew this day was coming, I still didn’t want it to happen. I was going over our “To Do/Talk About” list on Monday…and I realized that for the first time in two years, it was empty. I had come up with nothing to say to you…because I think I knew I would not see you this week. When my phone rang at 9:09 AM Monday morning…I knew what was happening before I even answered. The front desk was calling to cancel my appointment with you on Wednesday. I asked if you were going to be out all week, already knowing the answer. I then asked for K’s voicemail. And then I thought about you all day. My coffee date canceled on me for the third time in as many days and I was initially upset, but as my day wore on, I was actually glad…because I’m not sure I could have handled much more emotion that day. I got my windshield fixed. Got something to eat. Came home. Noticed the time, which was about 3:30 PM. I took note that K hadn’t called me back yet and I figured she was out too or just really busy. As I tried to come up with all the reasons why she hadn’t called, the phone rang (I’m starting to wonder if K is starting to develop some sort of telepathy with me). I answered my phone to the sweetest sound I heard that day. It was then that I lost my marbles. I fought my tears and emotions all day, as I always do, but the minute I heard her voice, I lost it. K answered my questions, spoke softly and gently…and even told me that I “rocked her world”…to which I laughed and smiled…then I told her off for making me laugh as tears were streaming down my face (and then I noted that I now love her even more for having the ability to do that to me because not many people can). She said she had no openings this week to see me and that she would not be here next week. My heart dropped (because I don’t know when you will be back and because if you both were out and I was going to have to go two weeks or more without a therapy session, I was screwed)…but I appreciated the heads up regardless. She went through some skills with me…even tried to get me to tell her what I think I should/need to do and I wasn’t thinking straight…so she told me to do what I always do…I had no idea what she was talking about. Music? Self-soothe? Snuggling? Kitty? And then she told me to write. So this is the product of K’s brain and my “willingness” to do it instead of my “willfulness” to fight, deny and push away my emotions.
I don’t want you to get upset that I got/am upset. Consider it me trying to help you/care for you/love you/take some of the weight off of you. I’m hoping that, perhaps, my grief will make you not hurt so bad. Because I don’t want you to hurt. It kills me to know…to even imagine…what is happening. But I know you will hurt and you will for a while. If anyone knows what this is like, it’s me; you couldn’t be in better company. People say, “I understand. I know what you’re going through.” all the time. The reality is that most of the time, they have no idea. And I won’t even pretend to know exactly how you feel because even though I’ve been through what you’re going through, your experience is going to be different than mine. But I know what that loss and that hole feels like. I know the pain. And it will smack you upside the head often. I’m not going to offer you clichés because I hated it when people did that to me. When people ask me what they should do or say when something like this happens, I always tell them that the best thing you can do, in my opinion, is to say nothing…other than maybe an “I’m sorry for your loss.”…and give the person room, let them know that they’re loved and that you will be there when they are ready. Maybe it’s different for everyone…maybe some people want the words. I didn’t and still don’t…because there are no words…there is nothing anyone can say that will take the pain away. Even when I share my story now, my last two years especially, some people will say, “I don’t know what to say/how to respond.” And I say, “It’s okay. You don’t have to.” I feel better when someone is just in the same room with me…not saying a word…just letting me cry and letting that silence be the comfort. I know people’s condolences are said with the best of intentions…but I think I may have coped better with my own loss had people just backed the fuck up. Not only did everyone want to say something, they insisted on telling me that he was in a “better place”…and all I wanted to say was “fuck you and fuck you and you and you, too.” Because it was bullshit and it was only making me mad. Not that I thought he was in hell, but just the fact that no one knows what’s real and what isn’t. And having had my own near-death experiences, I still don’t think I believe in heaven or hell. I think I believe in a “presence”…an imprint on what once was…because there are times where I think he surprises the fuck out of me by leading me to something comforting about him or just something that only he would know…the right message at the right time. So I think there’s something…I just don’t know what it is…and surprisingly enough, I’m okay with not knowing. I’m okay not having an answer to this question. I am content knowing that there is at least SOMETHING, even if I can’t explain it or prove it or have it on demand…just knowing…hoping he’s here…somehow…someway.
So I’m not going to say anything more…other than that I love you…I heart your face…and I’m doing my best to send you hugs and love and comfort in the only way I can and in the only way our relationship will allow.
Borderline between what and what? 