Decisions, Decisions

I know I haven’t written or posted for quite some time. Lots of shit has been hitting (and continues to hit) the fan and I’m not sure if I just don’t want to write or if I’m unable to/incapable at this time. I don’t know if or when I’ll be able to write again, at least as far as blogs go. Writing in some form or fashion will always be a part of my life because it’s in my soul and it is a treasured coping skill…but my question to you, angel faces, is if you think I should keep/you would like me to keep the blog (and the accompanying Facebook page) up/going or just abandon ship? Any opinions are welcome (and appreciated; I’ve been struggling with this decision for a while).

Now she’s just somebody that I used to know.

Unfriend

I finally did it. I unfriended H, the girl I mentioned in one of my last blog posts. I gave her a chance…many chances. I tried to be there for her. I tried to be patient. I tried to understand. I tried to reason with her. I tried when I didn’t want to. On Friday night, she pushed my last button, literally. I’m tired of the passive-aggression. It’s immature and if you’re pissed off at me, talk to me…don’t make me read between the lines. Maybe she thought I wouldn’t notice the passive-aggressive comments? If that’s the case, she really didn’t know me well at all…because I notice EVERYTHING.

I think this situation follows the five stages of grief:

1) denial and isolation: I tried to distance myself from her but not cutting her off completely.
2) anger: I got mad when she refused to help herself. I got mad after every night I stayed up late with her because I thought she was suicidal, only to find out later she was just crying wolf.
3) bargaining: I tried one last time…gave her one last chance. I compromised by making it so her posts didn’t show up on my news feed. I told her I would continue to be here for her, but not if she kept coming to me with the same problems and not if she continued to be self-destructive or help herself.
4) depression: I struggled with letting her go. I wanted to care so much. I didn’t want to kick her when she was down. I thought I was being a horrible friend for even entertaining the idea of unfriending her and I felt I would be an even worse friend if I left her when she needed someone the most and/or if I ignored her cries for help.
5) acceptance: One of the hardest decisions you will ever have to make is when to stay and try harder or when to just take your memories and walk away. I’m at peace with my decision. I’m not second guessing it or regretting it. The more you love your decisions, the less you need others to love them.

I don’t know what I should say if she notices and asks me why/what happened. If she doesn’t, it only validates me and my decision and just proves that I really don’t need her and she doesn’t want me bad enough. If you really want something, you’ll find a way…if not, you will find an excuse.

Unfriend2