God, love, honesty and cussing…sort of a take off of “Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves”…I thought it was catchy.
I don’t feel like I can pull an amazing post out of my butt right now but I’m gonna try because if I don’t at least try, I’m gonna explode.
There are times in my life where I’m just plain fucking tired. It doesn’t matter if things are going awesome for me and the puzzle pieces finally start to fit…it’s exhausting trying to find the pieces and then make those pieces fit and I just need to scream, “FUCK!!!”
I love Sandra Bullock and some time ago, she was in a movie called “28 Days”…and it’s about AA/rehab. One of THE BEST quotes from that movie is where Gwen (played by Bullock) is in a group therapy session and people are bitching at her for fucking up and saying how she shouldn’t be allowed to stay in rehab due to her shenanigans and how the whole group thought they were better than her because they didn’t break any rules. And Gwen hits her breaking point and says, “HEY! I’m having a bad day! I’m having the worst damn day of my whole damn life so if it is NOT too much to ask of you people…will you just BACK. THE. FUCK. OFF?!”
Ya know…as I re-watch that clip, I could probably just post that and be done here because that pretty much sums up how I feel right now, sans the clapping. We covered honesty and cussing…but where do God and love fit in?! Alas, I must continue…
God fits in because…well…just because. I’ve mentioned my “Jesus Years” a few times in this “public diary” and I think I’ve made it pretty clear that that is not a path I follow anymore. I don’t judge those who do and I don’t care what you believe in or who you pray to as long as you’re not an asshole. I’m pretty easy-going and I’d like to say I’m non-judgmental. Love fits in because, by some miracle, I have managed to hold on to a few people I met during my Jesus Years and one woman continues to bless me as much today as she did 8’ish years ago. She loves Jesus, don’t get me wrong, but she doesn’t ever shove Him down my throat, try to convince me to go back to church and she’s always honest with me. I damn near lost my marbles as we were talking tonight because I was trying to explain to her how I’m feeling right now and how I just want to scream something like that quote from “28 Days”…f-bomb included. And I damn near fell off the bed when she said that sometimes, she prays to God and says, “Fuck you! Are you there? I really need you right now.” In the 8’ish years I’ve known her, I have never seen her type or say that word and…I’ll be honest…I thought it was pretty fucking funny and I laughed audibly to myself. (It’s also pretty cool because we were talking about serious stuff and to just drop that bomb and LOL in the midst of it all was quite amusing…to both of us.) But bless that woman’s heart because that is exactly why I love her to pieces. SO. HONEST. And she turns right around and tells me that she loves me, I bless her and that I teach her so much and she values almost anything I have to say. And naturally, I’m really shitty at taking compliments so I over-analyze that and try to figure out how the hell can I, someone not quite half her age, teach and bless her? I’m done questioning it and have just accepted that compliment for what it is. After all, that’s what this blog is all about and ultimately, if I do nothing with my life except bless people and educate them on depression and suicide…my work here is done. Mission accomplished. I don’t ever consider myself an optimist but I do sometimes see the good amidst the bad.
I’m pretty tired right now. And I don’t mean tired as in I just need a really good night’s sleep (though that would probably help immensely). I’m tired because I’ve been strong for so long and I’m at my breaking point. I can’t tell you how many times people ask how I’m doing, if they ask at all, and I say, “Fine.” or “I’m okay.” FOR ONCE, I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight, and say, “I know you’re not.” I absolutely REFUSE to appear vulnerable on Facebook or in my daily life. I save my vulnerability for when I’m alone and no one can watch me crumble and fall…for when I don’t have to slap a fake smile on my face and I can be me without worrying what other people are thinking or get upset that I’m being invalidated or ignored. I am almost always honest and if I trust you and you ask me, in a sincere way, how I’m doing, I WILL tell you…but chances are, I won’t ever volunteer the information. I don’t force/want people to drag it out of me either. Facebook can be such an amusing and crazy place and I have such a love/hate relationship with it. You (or at least I) scroll through the News Feed every day going “LOL”…”don’t care”…”needs therapy”…”song lyrics”…”DRAMA WHORE!”…”srsly?”…”go fuck yourself”…”SO TRUE!”…”wants attention”…”HOW CUTE!”…”sucks to be her”… I do have people in my life that throw up the occasional attention-seeking Facebook status update, the one that FORCES people to ask them what’s wrong and/or the one that forces you to read in between the lines…you know…the status update that isn’t directed at you but is TOTALLY directed at you. Recently, a friend from high school has posted nothing but comments about how fed up she is with being sick…between her husband, herself and her kids, someone has been sick since January. Legitimate complaint and I don’t mind that she vents because that truly does suck. The day after a particularly “active” day on FB for her, she “checked-in” at her local police station. DID NOT SAY A WORD. Just a check-in. I watched, throughout the day, as many of her friends commented, “WTF?!” “Whaaaattt?” “Are you okay?” “What’s going on?” Thinking back now, I should have responded with, “Do you need bail money?” because I’m snarky like that but I didn’t comment because I don’t play that game…but curiosity killed the cat, so I kept that post in my mind all day and even texted another friend asking if I was justified in being slightly irritated by this check-in and asking her if I’m the only one who thinks this person often posts attention-seeking/pity party updates and I said to my friend, “Watch…it’ll just be a field trip for the kids or something.” I SHIT YOU NOT PEOPLE…at the end of the day, this “friend” responded to her police check-in with, “LOL! Sorry guys…it was just a field trip for the kids hahahaha!” I coulda slapped the bitch. F’reals. You took enough time to check-in…you could have slapped a quick annotation of “field trip” on there. Common sense and common courtesy, surprisingly, are not common. If you see someone “check-in” at a police station, your immediate thought is not going to be that it’s just a field trip…especially if you see ME check-in at a police station. If you ever do, expect a phone call soon asking for bail money and an alibi. Anyway, back on track…I post a lot of smack and LOLs on my personal Facebook page and unless you’re pretty close to me, you will have no fucking clue how I’m really feeling or what’s going on in my life, my head or my heart. And that’s okay because I don’t need nor do I want everyone to know…I don’t like appearing vulnerable and weak even if I really am. I’d rather you scroll past me going, “That’s funny! LOL!” than go, “Ohmygod…EMO!” and ignore me as you keep scrolling. Call me old-fashioned but I don’t like telling the world everything that’s going on in my life and how I’m really feeling. I don’t want to be that one friend everyone hates and ignores because I’m “emo” all the time.
But every now and then…I get tired of doing that…of always “faking it” and being funny when all I really want to do is cry. That’s when I go silent.
For most people, when a lot of bad things happen in rapid succession and we don’t get time to process each event, it builds up and we end up breaking…some of us shatter but that’s besides the point. It occurred to me yesterday that this also, at least for me, happens when a lot of good things happen in rapid succession. I have such low lows that when good and positive things happen, they take a lot of emotion and energy out of me, however great and awesome those things are. Going from rock bottom to over-the-moon elated in a literal nanosecond is exhausting (and no, I’m not bipolar). It’s like being sick with the flu for a while and the first day you get out of bed and go somewhere or go to work, you’re freakin’ exhausted because you’ve been down for so long and you don’t have the energy to keep up with what used to be your normal daily life/activity level…you need time to recuperate and time to adjust…time to heal. Baby steps is better/easier than giant leaps…for a good reason. Going from one extreme to the other in such a short period of time is like a slap upside the head…it comes from nowhere and you’re all, “WTF?!”…and I just got slapped…and I’m about to break. A lot of great and awesome things have happened over the past week or two, but I’m telling (or trying to anyways) my therapist and a few select people that I still have daily suicidal ideations. My problem lies in the fact that I don’t think people are taking me seriously anymore. I have marked high numbers on the questionnaires my therapist makes me fill out and those numbers haven’t fluctuated much over the past two years so part of me wonders if she even believes me/takes me seriously anymore. And not only do I need her to know that those thoughts are still very much present, I need the other important people in my life to know too. Don’t pamper me, baby me or pity me, just know that those thoughts are not far from my mind…that’s all. A hug and/or an “I love you” wouldn’t hurt, either. But I don’t feel like I should have to beg for those things…so to tell you that I’m feeling this way JUST to get a hug is not how I roll…I don’t think it’s how you should roll either.
I think it’s hard for people to wrap their head around the fact that a person can still want to die even when things are going well. I’m here to tell you that it is possible and it does happen. I would still, right now, despite all the good, not give a flying fuck if I didn’t wake up tomorrow. I don’t mean to imply that I’m threatening to do something, but if fate stepped in and just helped me out, I wouldn’t complain…and I’m just being totally 100% honest. As far as what stops ME from doing anything myself right now?…probably just laziness. I don’t have the mental capacity to make a plan and act on it right now. A quote that I’ve referred to often in trying to explain this concept to people is from the book “Girl, Interrupted” by Susanna Kaysen: “Suicide is a form of murder – premeditated murder. It isn’t something you do the first time you think of doing it. It takes getting used to. And you need the means, the opportunity, the motive. A successful suicide demands good organization and a cool head, both of which are usually incompatible with the suicidal state of mind.” *heavy sigh* So very true. I would never make a suicidal gesture just to get attention and get people to notice me…but I wonder if that’s truly what it will take for people to realize, “Bitch is f’reals.” I’m not crying wolf here…but what the fuck is it going to take to make you people understand and let you know that I’m feeling this way? I’ve told you, quite bluntly…I’m doing all I can to make sure the right people know (e.g. my therapist) but I still seem to be failing somewhere in the communication department. What more can I do or say? I’m just fucking tired and I’m tired of putting on the fake smile and just barely making it through each day. Don’t ask me what I need right now because I don’t know. Don’t ask me what I want right now because I don’t know. I don’t really even know what I’m feeling…I can’t find the words for all of the emotions nor can I pinpoint them all. I DO know that I just…want…you…to know. Please notice me and don’t dismiss my feelings or assume that I’m okay just because of all the awesome things that are happening to and around me. You being, of course, the people that aren’t reading this but maybe by Monday, I’ll have enough of my shit together to be able to express these feelings to the people that should hear/know about them. And/or people will stop talking about baby poop, their husbands and how the IRS fucked them over long enough to notice me and say, “Hey J…are you okay? I know you’re not…”