Who are you?

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This is an adventure that was making the blog-rounds a while back and I was tagged…and I feel that I now have some semblance of sanity to respond to it…finally. And writing about something non-emotional at the moment seems like a fantastic idea.

Here are some questions, the answers to which will make up this blog post, which I need right now even if it’s not the typical emotion dump I want/need to write right now. This will have to suffice until I start making change out of things that make no cents and can give birth to a real zinger.

So…um…bottoms up?

1. Where were you born?
In a hospital. I think I’ve said enough to imply that I live in the Pacific Northwest, which I have my entire life.

2. Were you named after someone?
My grandmother had a best friend with my first name and growing up, my mother put an “Aunt” in front of it and I guess my mother vowed that when and if she had a daughter, that name would be bestowed upon her (sans the “Aunt”). Kinda funny to me now because I was supposed to be a boy. My room was even painted baby blue. Sorry for the let-down, mom…

3. How many children do you have?
NONE. ZERO. NADA. ZILCH.

4. How many pets do you have?
One beautiful little girl kitty. I’m happy to be her human. She makes me smile. She also makes me laugh out loud when I give her catnip. I’m an enabler…I know…

5. What’s the worst injury you ever sustained?
A broken heart? Uhhhh…hmm…I’ve never broken a single bone in my body or been to the hospital for any reason other than for kidney stones and suicidal ideations…but I did knock my two front teeth out when I was little. Thank God they were baby teeth and not my adult teeth. I have a scar where one tooth went through my lip.

6. Do you have any special talents?
Fuck if I know. I seem to have an uncanny ability to find the most perfect song for any life moment…or the song finds me. It’s weird. I got a speeding ticket a while back and after my panic attack subsided and I felt calm enough to re-enter the freeway, “Jesus, Take The Wheel” by Carrie Underwood came on my stereo and I was all, “Really?!”

7. Favorite thing to bake?
*snort* Uhh…I don’t cook…like…ever. (Note: I said “don’t”…not “can’t.”) For one, I don’t live on my own so I don’t have free reign over a kitchen but I do get home-cooked meals every now and then. But if I am left to my own devices, I can cook a mean frozen pizza, Spaghetti-O’s, Top Ramen or macaroni and cheese. I can make a mean batch of million dollar brownies (brownies with caramel made with German chocolate cake mix) and Rice Krispie treats if I feel the need to get my bake on…but…it hasn’t happened in years. I was once given an oven mitt for Christmas that says, “If it fits in a toaster, I can cook it.” Microwave and oven are interchangeable with toaster in some situations.

8. Favorite food?
Oh Lord…Kraft Deluxe Macaroni & Cheese with hotdogs or a cheeseburger, french fries and a Coke. I used to be a pretty picky eater but I’ve gotten better. I’m super easy to please (and cheap)…and by that, I mean I would so go to Red Robin over some over-priced French restaurant downtown. Srsly. If you want to meet me for dinner or something, use the KISS method: Keep It Simple Stupid. F’reals.

9. Would you bungee jump?
I think in a weird sort of fucked up figurative way, I have already “taken the plunge”…but yeah…bungee jumping is on my Bucket List. I’m not saying I’d have the balls to do it say…tomorrow…but it’s on the list.

10. What is the first thing you notice about people?
Whether or not they like me. I can spot that from a mile away. After that assessment, it’s probably a toss up between eyes and smiles.

11. When was the last time you cried?
I think a more appropriate question would be, “When was the last time you weren’t crying?” I haven’t been AWOL just picking my nose.

12. Any current worries?
Are you fucking kidding me?

13. Name 3 drinks you drink regularly.
Coke.
Water.
Vodka.

14. What’s your favorite book?
Mine. As soon as I write it.

15. Would you like to be a pirate?
Where the fuck did this question come from? I can see how having a hook in place of a hand and ramming it up people’s asses would be therapeutic for me…for a day…but not as a permanent lifestyle.

16. Favorite smells?
Oh God. I think it would be easier to tell you about my least favorite smells. I love anything clean/fresh. If fabric softener were a perfume, it would probably be my signature scent. My hair always smells really good, too. I have a candle hoarding problem…again, clean/fresh scents…I like lavender too. And babies. I love sniffing babies.

17. Why do you blog?
Because there are a lot of people talking in my head and if I write down some of what they say, they seem calmer overall. It’s also a pensieve dump…like in Harry Potter when Dumbledore takes his thoughts from his head and puts them in his pensieve…that’s what writing is like for me. Sometimes I write without the intention of publishing it…quick thoughts for my therapist or an idea for a great invention which, come morning, usually doesn’t sound so great. I have been known to leave voicemails or e-mails for my therapist at 2 AM just because I need to “spit it out” before I can go to bed. I usually tell her that she doesn’t have to respond/call me back…I just needed to get it out of my head. I also write in hopes that something I say might make a difference for someone, let them know that they are not alone, that they are not crazy, maybe someone can learn/benefit from my mistakes, and if nothing else…I hope I make people laugh or smile…because I like to laugh…and smile.

18. What song do you want played at your funeral?
You’re asking a suicidal music whore this question? Good God…umm…I think it depends on how I die, to be honest. But I guess for generic purposes, “Paradise” by Coldplay.

19. What is your favorite thing about yourself?
Fuck. I have lower self-esteem than a slug. Right now, I don’t like anything about myself. Maybe I’ll come back and give you an answer later…when I’m in a better place.

20. Favorite hobby?
I used to have hobbies. Now I have Facebook. It’s like crack. I used to really enjoy reading and scrapbooking but I stopped scrapbooking after my dad died…I don’t know why. I still love to read but ever since my first suicide attempt, I haven’t been able to finish a book to save my life. I’ll read a paragraph and go, “WTF did I just read?” It pisses me off and I’m not trying to be funny. I don’t know if I just have so much shit going on in my head that I can’t focus enough to read or if I really fucked up my brain during those brief moments it was deprived of oxygen. The verdict’s still out on that one.

21. (FML…how long is this? I thought this would be a quick blog post.) Name something you’ve done that you never thought you would do.
Try to take my own life. I enjoyed the first attempt so much that I tried it two more times.

22. What do you look for in a friend?
Honesty. Integrity. Love. Give and take. Smiles and laughter. Respectful. Empathetic. Someone who can roll with the punches…the good, the bad, the ugly and the in-between. Someone who can handle me, tolerate me and love me FOR ME. Someone who can cry with me and then turn around and make me laugh while tears run down my cheeks.

23. Favorite fun things to do?
In a normal, sane, functioning state of mind I enjoy movies, concerts, stand-up comedy shows, bowling, vegging out on the couch with a great friend talking smack. I’ll try almost anything once. Well…lightbulb…I enjoy, even in my insane, non-functioning state of mind, making and giving/delivering warm fuzzies. Sometimes I’ll attach my name (the post office demands a return address at times) but I like leaving anonymous ones for people I know and also for people I don’t know. It gives me warm fuzzies…and immense joy…to know I made someone smile and/or feel special/loved.

24. Pet peeves?
*snort* I have a lot. Most of them involve driving…and most of them involve other people’s complete incompetence at driving. Talking in movie theaters. Interrupting. Pity-party/attention-seeking behaviors. Complaining about your life but not doing anything to help yourself. Annoying sounds that you can’t stop or don’t know where they are coming from/what they are. Snoring. I could go on for days…

25. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
Wow…not much of that happened this weekend. Umm…*watching the end credits of the weekend roll by in my head*…probably Hannah Hart of MyDrunkKitchen and Grace Helbig from DailyGrace (my favorite YouTubers). Grace tweeted (on Easter Sunday): “YOLO!…sike” – Jesus …I damn near fell off the bed laughing so hard.

26. Oh…no 26? We’re done? Praise the sweet eight-pound home-birthed baby Jesus.

Now you. If you’re a blogger that reads my blog, consider yourself tagged…YOU’RE IT!

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